Mercurial Me

I love how when I was little I would ‘meow’ at my brothers and they would respond to me. I love even more that now, I can do the same via text and get a response.

Meow?

Home again

Got home from the airport about an hour or so ago. When I got dropped off, sat my bags down in the living room, and locked the front door I came to realized this is the first time since Saturday that I have been alone other then using the restroom. On the one hand the amount of anxiety that Dietrich gave me was nearing a breaking point. On the other hand, I dearly love my brothers (even the ungrateful shit head one), and Joshua is more like a child to me then a brother so there is a ridiculous sense of comfort in just having him near under the same roof. This weekend was hectic, stressful, expensive, hot, and fun.

I will be back in a few weeks though to help get Joshua all ready for his big move to start at LSU in the fall. Which brings about a whole mess of financial concerns. One major one I found out this weekend was that even though I paid almost two hundred dollars to reserve him a spot in the dorms he is actually on the standby list and as such may not have a place to stay. If he does have a spot in the dorms I don’t even know what to begin worrying about. Do they provide a mattress or do we need to purchase one? He needs linens, pillows, and towels regardless I’m sure. Shower shoes, shower caddy, new batch robe.  Not to mention all the regular back to school shopping (the giant has out grown all of his jeans and completely busted his backpack). All first year students are required to eat at the mess halls and use LSU’s card system. I have no idea how much the meal plans are yet.  Oh and glasses. He is due for a new pair. Also Jesse is concerned about how he will get around Baton Rough. It’s not like Portland, the public transit system is weak. So there maybe the need to start looking into getting him a car. Which means another person on my insurance. Which means an even higher premium.

I am a twenty five year old, going on twenty six in the fall, who has the stress, anxiety, and emotions of a forty five year old. Will he be alright so far from home? Will he be able to afford school at all? Did Jesse (and I) do a good enough job raising him that we prepared him to make good decisions, or at least ones that will not cripple his future?

Of all of us Joshua is the only one that, after removing him from our Mother, has had a stable, quasi normal up bringing. He has played sports, made best friends, was involved in clubs, traveled with us around the country, and not once since he was taken away has he had to go a day of being hungry, or fear that me, Jesse, or for a short time his foster Mother would physically harm him. He is the only one that was able to go to school through his primary years and thus get a High School Diploma (with second honors), and walk with his peers that he has know for years at his graduation. The rest of us never had a chance to be normal kids. We didn’t have the experience of growing up knowing that we were safe and loved even when we did something out of line. With that I am joyful through him and for him. He is following the steps to adulthood in the most ideal way we could think of or provide. I hope he enjoys his time at LSU and makes the very most of his time there. And I hope I can survive till the end of the year financially as well as emotionally and mentally.

Currently:

 hiding under a blanket while my little brother changes because it is a better alternative then going into the living room and trying to pull more patience out of my ass to deal with Dietrich.